Although the number fluctuates a bit from year to year, there is still a 50 percent chance that anyone who marries today will end up in divorce court. And although recent research for 2009 shows that the current rate may be falling a bit (likely due to the economy), a couple who marry today still has a one in two chance that the marriage will fail. That’s not a very optimistic way to start a new life together. Most breakups happen over the same issues: money, sex, infidelity, and the old standbys, “irreconcilable differences,” that run the gamut of everything else, including boredom.
When a marriage breaks up, it’s a very stressful time for both of you, but the biggest losers in any breakup are the children. When children are involved, the primary focus should be on the children and helping them cope. If the husband and wife are unable or unwilling to work things out (either together or through the advice of a third party) and divorce is unavoidable, they should come together and make a pact that the children will come first. Children are very perceptive and can sense when there is stress, but they are also quick to conclude that their parents’ problems are their fault. They may experience a range of feelings, including guilt, grief, sadness, isolation, anger, and depression, not to mention fears of abandonment, thinking that one or both parents will leave them too.
So how do you help children adjust and calm them down during this stressful time? First, keep the lines of communication open and make sure they know that what is happening is not their fault. Through both verbal and non-verbal communication, you let them know that they are loved, that they will be safe and protected, and that what they are feeling is perfectly normal. Let them know that things will work out eventually, even though there are some changes in your life. Tell them you love them and spend as much time with them as possible, sharing hugs, activities, and even TV time.
You should also let them express themselves and express their sadness or confusion. Although some children may not want to talk about their feelings, you can encourage other activities that can help them find their words. Drawing, arts and crafts, sports, dance, music, and creative writing can help children transfer their innermost thoughts to a different medium. And don’t forget that counseling can also be appropriate for children.
Keep as much stability and routine in your lives as possible. Even if dad (or mom) moves out of the house, he tries to establish some regular routines with your future ex that can become habitual and predictable. For example, every Thursday night can be pizza night with the kids. This will give them something to look forward to and to count on. If Dad always helped them with their math homework, this should continue, even if Dad has to do it over the phone or through a webcam connection.
Divorce sometimes brings out the worst in people. Don’t let this happen to you and your spouse, especially when it comes to children. Although there may be egregious transgressions on the part of one spouse, avoid playing the blame game, especially in front of children. They are both parents first and their first responsibility is to protect them from the consequences of their failed relationship.
Finally, the most important thing to remember (and I can’t stress it enough) is to reassure your children that you love them. They must know that mommy and daddy love them very much, even though they no longer love each other. If you take all the love you once had as a couple and channel it into your children, you can have a very successful divorce.