As I sat at the Panera Bread in Saratoga Springs waiting for my husband to finish his meeting, I realized that he was going to be fine. Maybe it was the first hot cup of coffee I had in weeks and the comfort it brought or maybe it was Adele singing in my ears, maybe it was leaving the rental house that I hated so much, but it felt good, I felt calm. I had a complete breakdown a few days ago and it felt a lot like my first trip to Paris. My dream was always to visit Paris, the amazing cakes and coffee, the charming cobbled streets and of course the Eiffel Tower. Paris did not live up to the huge expectations I set for myself, and neither did this adventure in Albany.
But walking out of that dreaded rental house and putting a cup of hot coffee in my hands, I really felt like I was going to be fine. Finally, Paris was good too. I loved the Eiffel tower; We took a Segway tour of the city with an American tour guide, had the most fantastic coffee, and the croissants were, as you would imagine, to die for and had become the goal of my own bakery. Finally, Albany will be fine. I will start to work; We will live in our own apartment where I can cook and bake without being afraid of mouse droppings getting into our food. I will make friends and we will be happy. Eventually I’ll get to a store where I’ll break out and buy a winter coat, and I’ll be warm. I’ll ignore the looks of awe and utter disbelief when we tell people that we’ve moved from Nashville to Albany.
As we drove from Albany back to Nashville to pack our things, I noticed a few things. The first was that I realized that 95% of my problem moving to New York is our current rental home. The mice, the drafty windows, it’s dark, there’s no DVR, and none of my stuff is in that house, even my own pots and pans.
The second observation was that Nashville is comfortable and familiar to me. I know where things are, I have friends there and people know me. I don’t know where there is anything in Albany.
Third, and probably one of the hardest things, my chickens are in Nashville. This will be the first time since 1991 that I will live somewhere without my children. Now don’t get me wrong, my kids are fine within 1000 miles of me and I still talk to them every day, but it’s the first time I’ve ever had to experience the whole “empty nest syndrome” and it’s really hard.
Fourth and last, Nashville is the city where I became and became the real me. When I moved to Nashville, I really didn’t have much of an identity and in five short years I managed to become the person I think I always was deep down. Nashville will always hold a special place in my heart for allowing me to become myself.
A few days ago I had a conversation with a friend from Nashville while I was showing him photos of various apartments in New York. He said something that was probably the only thing that made me realize that he was going to be okay in New York. He said, “I have come to the conclusion that once you become your true self, it is better to move on. Staying in the same place will stop your growth.” Like good friends, those few words made me feel better at instant. He also said he was going to get me a shirt that said WWEGD. When I asked her if she had started drinking during the day, she said no, that means What would Elizabeth Gilbert do? Elizabeth Gilbert is the author of Eat, Pray, Love and my favorite book Big Magic. In Big Magic (which she had completely forgotten) she says you should try new things and take fear with you, but don’t let it drive. I’ve been letting fear completely control my trip to Albany, but vowed no more.
I have decided that 2016 is about spreading my wings and flying. Albany will give me that opportunity, and for the first time, I’m excited to finally settle into an apartment, move my things out of Nashville, and start flying. I bring fear because I have to, but it is a lot in the trunk of my car.