Here’s a slightly uncomfortable belief: Dads matter because men are different from women.
In other words, a father is not a mother, and vice versa of course!
I have found that friends and neighbors sometimes become agitated when I share that observation.
There are some obvious reasons for that: much of our recent gender history in the West is about making sure that men and women are treated as equals.
Talking about differences stirs the pot a bit and threatens to be a throwback to a culture that imposes more restrictive and damaging gender roles.
So it is good to remember that being equal does not mean that we are necessarily equal, even if we have the same rights.
And different is neither better nor worse. It’s… well… different.
The gifts of being different
Many native, land-based cultures already know this: they deeply appreciate the complementary gifts of boys and girls, of men and women, of fathers and mothers.
These cultures believe that all aspects of life must be balanced, and balance is achieved in part by acknowledging, honoring, and celebrating our differences.
They also have a deep understanding of what those differences are and how they affect our relationship with our children.
We all understand this on some level. In fact, soon after birth we know that mom and dad are different: an 8-week-old baby can tell that mom and dad have different ways of coping with life, other adults and children.
“A father, as a male biological father, brings unique contributions to the job of raising a child that no one else can replicate,” says child psychiatrist Kyle Pruett, author of Fatherneed: Why Father Care Is as Essential as Mother Care for Your Child.
Understanding what some of these differences are can help us parents fully accept our power and appreciate our crucial role in raising our children.
Here are some of our special contributions as parents, in no special order:
We fight, we fall and we get physical
We have a knack for engaging our children through physical activities that are a bit nerve-wracking.
Whether it’s a tickle frenzy, wrestling, or running down the hill, dads tend to engage in rough, dynamic, vigorous, and loud activities.
“In infants and toddlers, the characteristic interaction style of parents is physical play characterized by excitement, enthusiasm and unpredictability,” says Ross Parke, a psychologist who asked parents in 390 families to describe in detail how they played with their children. kids.
IT’S OKAY. Penalty fee. But what is the use of the full contact game?
A lot, it seems. Rough play influences a child’s ability to control her emotions and activities.
Children who play a lot with their parents have less risky behaviors. They learn to read social cues, regulate their emotions, stay within limits, and take “manageable” risks.
A child who is good at reading social cues and tracking your feelings is also a good friend, someone who is more likely to be cooperative and peaceful.
We focus on agreements and rules
Can you see yourself asking your child what the deal was? It turns out that, on average, we are more bound by the rules than mothers.
We have a certain way of setting limits and holding our children accountable.
We emphasize justice, fairness and duty, while moms tend to focus more on sympathy, care and help, according to gender differences psychologist Carol Gilligan.
Dads often systematically and strictly observe and enforce the rules. This teaches our son objectivity and the consequences of good and evil.
Moms tend to be more flexible and encounter a wild child who breaks boundaries with more grace and sympathy, giving them a sense of hope.
“Fathers tend to be more willing than mothers to confront and discipline their children, leaving their children with the impression that they actually have more authority,” psychologists Marsha Kline Pruett and Kyle Pruett write in Partnership Parenting.
We talk like we always do.
While mothers simplify their words and speak at the child’s level, men tend to speak to their son as they normally do.
The mom shape facilitates immediate communication.
Dad’s style expands a child’s use of words, an important skill for connecting with others and doing well in school.
The differences between moms and dads are trends and generalizations found through a lot of qualitative research. They can change from one culture to the next.
So how true do they seem to YOU? Do you recognize yourself in this characterization, or does it seem alien to you?