Several key stages can be recognized in any relationship. To solve any relationship problem, it is essential to determine what stage you are in. For more details and practical ways to navigate each stage, please visit my website, see below.
Level 1 The honeymoon
The first stage of any romantic relationship is when we fall in love. Our initial attraction to someone grows rapidly to the point where we feel delicious feelings of connection and love. It seems that we have found the love of our life and we will easily believe that this relationship will last forever. The honeymoon stage is a wonderful life experience and shows the potential of the relationship of love and joy.
We may be tempted to make long-term commitments at this stage without really knowing our partner. This in itself is not a problem as long as we recognize that the most challenging stages of the relationship are likely to come and are willing to deal with any issues that arise.
Falling in love with someone is the most beautiful experience in life and one to fully enjoy! However, prepare for the more challenging times ahead as the relationship develops. Don’t panic when this happens, stay with your partner and try to solve the problems described in the next two stages. Always remember the feelings you have at this stage; You can always find them again in the future if you commit to building a better relationship.
Stage 2 The struggle for power
For most relationships honeymoon stage it eventually ends, typically after six months to a year. We begin to see aspects of our partner that make us feel uncomfortable. They may react to situations differently from us, act in ways that are difficult for us, or begin to lose interest in us. During the honeymoon stage, we and our partner deliberately (albeit unconsciously) hide negative aspects of our personality and behavior and focus on giving and receiving love. As we get acquainted and grow closer to our partner, negative traits are revealed. This can be a huge disappointment because we realize that they are not as perfect as we thought, worse yet, they think the same of us! The feeling of discomfort causes each member of the couple to withdraw and this creates a vicious cycle and a damaging pattern for the relationship.
Some of us will represent our struggle for power through arguments and fights, while some of us will use much more subtle forms of competition, such as withdrawal and bad temper. You’ll know you’ve entered the power struggle if you feel anything less than true love for your partner! We might start to doubt whether our partner is really the right one for us, and if this continues, we can choose to end the relationship or find out that our partner is leaving us. This is often too early to make such a decision. As amazing as it may seem, the very traits that we find so undesirable in our partner are the same that we have not been able to deal with in our own minds, which is why they annoy or disturb us so much. In the power struggle, it is not unusual to see negative personality traits that we associate with our parents showing up in our partner. The bad news is that we also have these traits, but the good news is that with the help of our partners we can deal with them!
The important thing to realize in the power struggle stage is that both partners are competing to see who will meet the emotional needs of the other. We chose our partner because we believed that they would take care of our unmet needs from childhood and now we realize that not only do they fail to do so, but they have exactly the same needs as us. We are disappointed and so are they: this is the key to overcoming the painful stage of the struggle for power. You acknowledge that it is your shared sense of unmet needs, a feeling of being emotionally incomplete that is causing you to have differences. The power struggle is, in fact, an opportunity to heal your insecurities and fears and build a better relationship. The struggle for power tends to alienate us from our partner both physically and emotionally. That is why we must have the courage to approach them and express our feelings, no matter how painful they may seem. If this is done with love and sensitivity (that is, speak up and own your own feelings, do not impose them on your partner or judge them), your partner will feel safe to express his own emotions. You will soon discover that you have reconnected and another honeymoon phase will begin!
Stage 3 The death zone
If we can’t solve our shared problems that cause power struggles, a relationship can still survive, but at a cost. The relationship will gradually sink into what has been called the Dead Zone. This is a time when we can get bored with our partner and with life in general. They may immerse themselves in work or a hobby and have little interest in us. At the heart of the Dead Zone is withdrawal and emotional dissociation.
In the dead zone, a relationship loses its sense of connection and feelings of love. Love can remain an idea rather than a feeling – you will know you love someone, but the emotion has lost the delightful sensations you experienced when you first fell in love. We subdue our emotions at this stage because we are afraid to deal with the fears and negative feelings that could arise if we were to communicate our insecurities to our partner. We are afraid that they will not like us, think badly of us and even abandon us if we were totally honest about how we feel about the relationship and about ourselves. Unfortunately, we largely ignore these feelings, as they are hidden in the unconscious mind.
Both the power struggle and the dead zone that often follows are caused by fear of intimacy, one of our greatest repressed fears. We fear that if our partner gets too close to us emotionally, he will see aspects of our personality that would cause him to reject us. Paradoxically, our fears and behavior around this issue make it much more likely that they will leave us. The key to getting out of the dead zone is to commit with your partner to move toward them emotionally so that you can begin once again to feel and share your full spectrum of emotions. It is not emotions that destroy relationships and rob us of the joys of life. Although sharing fears and insecurities in a heartfelt way with a partner, especially after many years together, can be scary, it always leads to more honesty and love in a relationship. As their hearts open again, they will become much more emotionally aware and healing will happen automatically. Once again you will begin to feel those powerful feelings of love that brought you together in the first place.
Stage 4 Partnership and true love
Society is a relationship based on love, communication, and trust. If you’ve ever fallen in love, you already know what partnership feels like. Imagine a long-term relationship that feels like those heady first days! This is not a dream; It can be yours if you are willing to work with your partner on the emotional issues that cause you to withdraw from each other. By always choosing to move toward your partner with a feeling of love and compassion, even when in pain or misbehaving, you allow the insecurities and fears that you both have to surface to heal. You may have to do this over and over again, as many layers of pain emerge from deep within your mind, but each time you will experience a new honeymoon stage.
Even if you return to the power struggle or the dead zone from time to time, your growing confidence in working with your partner on their issues and the wonderful feelings that come from rediscovering true intimacy will provide the incentive to move on. Relationships are rarely fairy tales; we must be willing to continually work on them. If we have the courage to do this, then the rewards are assured. Remember: if you feel negative feelings or difficulties in your relationship, always move towards your partner and join them with feelings of forgiveness, love and compassion; do it with an open heart and you will never fail.
Acknowledgment: The stages described here are an adaptation of the relationship model originally developed by Susan Campbell in her book “The Couple’s Journey” and developed by Dr. Chuck Spezzano.