Here is a simple question that came up in the Personal Coaching session:
“My husband and I have been married for five years and his family is still a mystery to me. I have tried everything I know to develop a closer relationship with them. I call his parents at least once a week, I organize outings and Dinner with them and invite them on our outings. All to no avail. They just don’t seem interested. I think close family relationships are important and I’ve told them how much I’d like to get to know them better. And yet their response is lukewarm. Should I just give up?”
Research shows that when we feel emotionally disconnected from those with whom we are in a relationship, our emotional brain kicks in and we go into fight or flight mode. This means that we respond only in terms of defense and attack. The results are not good for our relationships and it throws our physiology into chaos.
Nothing affects the emotional brain like the quality of your relationships. Women are relationship oriented: Relationships mean a lot to women. A good relationship can give you more energy and support a positive outlook. A troubled relationship can wear you down. The health and well-being of your relationships trains your emotional brain, which in turn governs your physiological health.
When you are involved in disconnected, turbulent, or emotionally unfulfilling relationships, your mood and energy can become depleted, negative, and unsustainable.
On the contrary, peace and connection in relationships can lead to better health and well-being, more vital energy, and more positive moods. On almost every measure, those in close, rewarding relationships do better than those in turbulent relationships.
Many times in relationships we look for the other party to be an equal part of turning the relationship into something that satisfies our needs. But even before we get to that point, there is a lot of our own inner work that can be done and often needs to be done before we can experience the kind of relationships we want.
In a situation like the one you are experiencing, the first place to look would be the whole issue of your need for close family relationships. It is very important to be aware of our needs and then find a way to meet those needs. Asking friends and family for what you need can be a wonderful and successful tactic to help get those needs met. But, there are pitfalls in that process.
You may be asking your husband’s family to meet a need of yours that they are unable to meet, particularly in a way that meets you. If you need close family relationships, you need to find someone who likes to provide close family relationships. It doesn’t make sense to keep coming to the tropics when you want to snow ski. They may be doing the best they can, but they just can’t do what you need.
If you need this experience of close family relationships and your in-laws can’t seem to meet that need, find another way. It may be more satisfying for you (and less stressful for them) if you meet their need by developing close relationships with other family members.
Also, it is an intuition to discover what is useful that underlies this need. Perhaps these close family relationships make you feel connected and safe in a network of care. If that’s the case, there are many ways to experience this kind of connection: become a Big Sister or get involved with a local charity. Once you discover the essence of your need, there are many ways to satisfy that need.
It could be that your in-laws are already experiencing a close family relationship with you. Perhaps their lukewarm response is their idea of a close family relationship, and it might help if you found out what their ideal family interactions look like. Some people may feel so connected to friends and family and not see or talk to them for months or even years. Everyone may agree on the basic result of relationships: it’s just that the ways and means don’t fit.
They may not like to do the things you like to do; find out what their favorite activities are. Sitting at home and watching television may be their preference and they are not very fond of dinners and excursions to new places.
There is a quote from Gandhi that says, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” This is wonderful advice for a relationship. We often come into a relationship looking for something outside of ourselves. If we want intimacy in a relationship, we can’t wait for the other person to be intimate. We have to be intimate ourselves. We have to develop our own experience of intimacy so that no matter who we associate with, we can experience an intimate connection with them. The experience comes from our own dynamics and we merge and expand that experience in the presence of another, but we are not dependent on them for something to happen to us. We become the experience we want to have in a relationship.
Unfortunately, or is it lucky, you can’t change anyone but yourself. Taking the focus away from her husband’s in-laws and putting it on the only place you can change, yourself, will put you back in the driver’s seat and leave you in a position of power. The need you feel for close family relationships may be your call to become connection, intimacy, or support. As you grow and develop these characteristics, from the essence of close family relationships, you will not only fill your need but also generate those characteristics in the world and draw them to you.
Good luck and have fun.
“When we know that the cause of something is in ourselves, and that we (ourselves) are one of the few things in the universe that have the right and ability to change, we begin to get a sense of the choices we actually make. … we have, a glimpse of the power that we have, a feeling of being in charge of our lives, of our future, of our dreams.” -John Roger and Peter McWilliams
Copyright (c) 2008 Mary Ann Copson