It is considered normal when your spouse has an affair and then you become extremely observant of your spouse’s comings and goings. It is understandable to want to know what he is doing and who he is with.
Even if you normally wouldn’t be that suspicious, surveillance may seem necessary because no one wants to find their spouse cheating on them a second time. What can be expected less is when the cheating spouse becomes super vigilant of the faithful spouse. So you have a situation where the cheating spouse becomes possessive and mistrustful of someone who hasn’t cheated and is, in fact, the victim of the affair.
A wife might say, “About three months ago, I found out my husband had been cheating on me. For a few weeks, I stayed in an apartment my boss has next to our office. I honestly didn’t know if I would stay.” married. Recently, however, I have decided to move back in to see if it was even remotely possible to pick up the pieces. My husband had never done anything like this before. He is a good man. And he looks desperately contrite. We’ve had some good conversations and for a while there, I felt a little hopeful. The problem is that my husband, who is not the jealous type at all, suddenly became possessive of me. He acts like my boss is trying to come after me. , Which is completely false. And if a man looks at me in passing, my husband gets really weird and jealous. Why is he acting like this? He is annoying and not very attractive. I did not do anything wrong. What gives him the right to be so possessive?”
Understanding how your fears lead to possessiveness: In truth, he really has no right to be so possessive, at least in my opinion. But this is very common behavior. And it is motivated by fear. He may be afraid that you will retaliate or lose interest in him. He is afraid that you will cheat to get back at him. He’s afraid that you’re not really excited about him right now and that you’re going to question your marriage. Therefore, according to his reasoning, you are more likely to have your own adventure. Or you may look around and decide that you would be better off without it.
You are probably afraid that you will not compare yourself favorably to another man. What if a nice man at work started showing you attention? Her husband may fear that you may be tempted since his spouse has betrayed him. So she thinks that if he can keep a close eye on you, he can lessen the chance of this happening.
I’m not defending it. His behavior is destructive. But I want you to understand his thought process. It’s not that I think you’re not trustworthy. It is that he is afraid that his mistake will have consequences. Frankly, he’s afraid of losing you. So he holds on as tight as he can.
He suggested: Of course, that doesn’t mean you just have to accept it. You can certainly have a conversation about this. It would be understandable if he would get angry and defensive and demand that she back off. But I think a calmer approach might have better results.
I would try saying something like, “I can’t help but notice that you are constantly controlling me and acting overly possessive. I don’t understand this behavior. I have never cheated on you, nor do I intend to. It doesn’t matter.” How mad I am at you, cheating would not be my solution. Cheating is what got us into this mess to begin with. I know you might be worried about reprisals. But this possessiveness is not the way to prevent that from happening. Watching me like that just frustrates me and hurts our marriage. I have never given you a reason not to trust me. I have no intention of starting. Your suspicions are misplaced. Please stop being so possessive. It’s doing more damage. that’s good. Being possessive is not going to stop me from making my own decisions. It won’t change my feelings. If anything, it’s more likely to contribute to negative feelings than positive ones. The most effective way to help in our situation would be to communicate and begin to heal. what?”
Hopefully, he’ll agree easily, but keep in mind that you may need to remind him later. Sometimes when we trade based on fear, we just act out of emotion without taking the time to think. So while he may intellectually realize that being possessive is wrong and foolish, he may go back to it when he’s afraid you’ll leave him or retaliate. That doesn’t mean you have to accept it. But you may need to remind him if you see him doing it again.
I know that realizing that this behavior is fear based does not make it acceptable. It’s not. But sometimes if you can understand why it’s acting a certain way, you can more effectively stop it. And once you see that it’s hurting and not helping, you can become more aware of your behaviors. If you are in counseling I would definitely bring this up so the counselor can make the point.