Talking kindness is the first rule of face-to-face communication. Shy people communicate with poor eye contact, stay out of the crowd, say very little, and generally seem like they don’t need, or want, any contact. Our outgoing world insists that shyness and introversion are abnormal, takes shy people at their own value and ignores them. But what if you were told that shy people’s body language communicates nothing to do with what they really feel inside? What if you knew that despite all those signs of hostility, chances are there is a living wit and a warm heart underneath?
The first misconception is that shy people’s body language is excluding you. It is not excluding you, it is closing down. Their shyness makes them seem hostile. But they don’t really want to freeze you, the shy response is to lock them up.
Everyone feels shy at some point, but introverts feel just as shy, maybe a thousand times more. Extroverts jump in and simply express fear to themselves. However, with introverts, fear doesn’t make words come out of their mouths. Freeze the thoughts in their heads. Their mouths remain tightly shut, overwhelmed by the pace at which others communicate. They start to panic, which then makes everything worse.
Why are some people like this?
They are born that way. Most people are ambivalent, which means they go from being introverts to extroverts depending on the situation. They are calm and thoughtful at times, the life of the party at other times. Others are mostly introverts or extroverts and can’t just change gears.
They are hypersensitive. Your nerve endings absorb more influences than your brain can process. This includes only the normal energy of another person. Needing to feel less overwhelmed, instead of reaching out to you, they back off.
They were seriously injured by contact with other people. Perhaps someone they cared about made them feel that their opinions and company were unwanted. They learned to wait for a sign that people appreciate their participation.
Extraversion is valued because it calms our social fears. Extroverts seem to be less fearful and tend to be more entertaining. That takes pressure off everyone else. Many people are afraid of silence and feel that something is wrong if every second is not filled with conversation. If the crowd perceives a shy person, they quickly express their discomfort. The crowd ignores the shy person and talks about her. For all intents and purposes, the shy person ceases to exist. That only reinforces the rejection a shy person feels. A deep resentment begins to grow over the lack of support or understanding. A confrontation develops because everyone feels rejected.
So here are some things that cannot be done that extroverts can do to help resolve the situation.
Not to do
- Don’t look at or completely ignore shy people like there’s a big hole in the room and they are. They won’t get the hint and will suddenly become talkative.
- Don’t ask them why they are so quiet. This tells them that they are not acceptable and that they should be just like anyone else.
- Don’t assume they are ignoring you because they think you are not good enough for your company. In fact, they are probably giving you too much importance. Panic has to do with the fear of being rejected.
- Don’t assume that just because a person is not talking that they are snobbish, have nothing to say, are dull, boring, or too lazy to talk.
- Do not presume that they are silent because they prefer to hear you talk only about yourself. Having a monologue thrown at them reinforces the fact that, for you, they don’t exist.
- Don’t be afraid of silence. It really won’t hurt anyone.
behind
- Approach a shy person with the same pleasure that you show others. It’s not about you, really. They are like that yet strange. Most of the time they are relieved and grateful as hell that someone noticed them and thinks they are interesting enough to address.
- Make eye contact with the shy person when making a comment to the crowd. This indicates that he or she is part of the crowd.
- Ask them how they know the host and jump on anything that seems like a common experience. This will melt your reserve, but maybe not right away. If you rush to the food table or pour yourself another drink, don’t take it personally. They may only need the space to absorb what is happening. They will remember your gesture. They will remember that you didn’t treat them like a big hole in the room and they will be much more relaxed around you next time.
- Be patient. A shy person has to take time to calm down, let their brain relax, and allow thoughts to travel onto their tongue. It may seem like you’re doing all the work and that feels like a drag, but if you just put up with the quick eyes and quick “yes” and “no” answers, it is very likely worth it.
Or maybe it won’t. Some shy people are as boring as they seem, since some extroverts are not as interesting as they think. It’s okay to walk away from both of you if you don’t feel a connection. But giving the shy person a chance means at least the possibility of a new friend, contact, or opportunity in your life that may not have existed before.