Mixing business with “pleasure” has never been a recipe for “happily ever after” and sex in the workplace seems to cause more pain than satisfaction. Each year, an average of 15,000 complaints are filed for sexual harassment in the workplace; news headlines about sex scandals between prominent bosses and subordinates at work provoke contempt and outrage from the public; more families and couples separated as a result of an extramarital affair that one spouse started in the workplace; and more psychotherapists treat patients experiencing the aftermath of a workplace romance gone sour. Such sequelae can range from feeling angry, confused, humiliated, and depressed to being fired from work, sometimes without even a letter of recommendation.
Today, more companies are enforcing dating policies, providing work romance training, or choosing to show leniency toward romantic involvement among employees, as long as it doesn’t threaten productivity and team effort. And yet many people are unclear on the rules of romance at work. While taboo and tabloid gossip, sex and romance at work is considered a thorny topic that most of us wish would go away.
Whether you are an employer or an employee, here is how to prepare yourself and your staff to deal with the Cupid strike at the office:
Know the definition of sexual harassment. Sexual harassment occurs when an employee makes continuous and unwanted sexual advances, requests sexual favors, and other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature from another employee, against their wishes. This unwanted behavior affects a person’s employment, unreasonably interferes with that person’s job performance, or creates an intimidating, hostile, or offensive work environment.
The movie “Revelation” illustrates how sexual harassment is the abuse of power that violates the moral, ethical and emotional limits of another person. The film shows how a computer specialist is sued for sexual harassment by a former lover turned boss, whose purpose is to incriminate him and destroy both his career and personal life.
If you are being sexually harassed, don’t keep quiet waiting for it to go away. This behavior usually escalates if you don’t stop the bully with a firm and proactive stance. Call the person about their behavior immediately, ask them to stop, and warn them that they will report it if they continue. If it continues, please report the harassment. Your employer has a responsibility to take every complaint seriously and investigate it.
Treat co-workers’ sexual advances appropriately. A sexual advance can be a direct expression of sexual attraction to a co-worker, a direct invitation to a physical relationship, or flirtatious behavior that has been exceeded.
In the movies, Andy, the central character in “The 40-Year-Old Virgin,” neutralizes his boss’s advances by staying true to his values. Your boss understands. When you are promoted, it is not because of sexual favors but because of your job performance.
Real life often resembles the movies. By staying true to your values and keeping your work priorities in order, you too can be successful without losing your integrity.
Honor your work first, then your sexual fantasies. In the movie “A Time to Kill,” a handsome young Mississippi attorney is handling a tough criminal case with admirable strength and a very attractive assistant. Despite the sizzling sexual chemistry between them, she chooses to channel her passion into the case, which wins.
If you are ever irresistibly attracted to a co-worker, before giving in to your fantasies, check the reality. Examine how consuming your sexual attraction would affect your job. If you realize that you would jeopardize your job, and your relationship with your colleague, then you must honor your work and find a different outlet for your fantasies.
Never start an extramarital affair in the workplace. In “The Firm,” young lawyer Mitch is the victim of a corrupt law firm that engages its employees in extramarital affairs and then blackmails them into extortion. He has a company-induced romance that costs him his marriage and his sanity. The movie has a happy ending only because Mitch fights so hard to win back his wife’s love.
In real life, extramarital affairs in the workplace never have a happily ever after. In addition to the agony of being discovered at home, the parties involved live with the constant stress of being discovered at work. When this happens, be prepared to cut your losses. And those losses can include your reputation, your family, your job, the person you’re having the affair with, or all of the above.
When dating a colleague, set post-breakup rules early on. In the classic movie “The Apartment,” CC Baxter moves up the career ladder by lending his apartment to his boss for extramarital dates. He’s also falling in love with his co-worker, Fran. Everything seems to be working fine, until he discovers that Fran is also his boss’s mistress. How will everyone get out of such a perplexing dynamic and keep their jobs?
In real life, an affair with a coworker always has some impact on your work life. Once they know each other intimately, they become more vulnerable to each other. That is why you must draw up a contract in which you specify how you are going to preserve your employment relationship, in case your personal relationship does not last. Sign and honor, in case you break. It’s a smart thing. You don’t want a situation like Baxter and Fran’s.
Stay away from office sex gossip. In the French comedy “The Closet,” the main character, François, spreads false rumors at work that he is gay, hinting that he will sue management if he is fired for sex discrimination. As sex gossip spreads in the office, it wreaks havoc on the careers and personal lives of your coworkers with consequences that range from funny to serious.
In real life, you need to avoid office havoc by staying away from gossip about the sexual orientation and sex lives of your coworkers. When a co-worker confesses to you an affair with another co-worker, politely decline to be their sounding board. Protect yourself and your work. You never know how office sex gossip can backfire or be used against you, whether or not you generated it.
When Cupid hits the office, keep your romance private. In the movie “Kindergarten Cop,” Detective Kimble goes into a school undercover as a kindergarten teacher to investigate a case. He ends up falling in love with Joyce, another school teacher who is also the subject of his research. But this is true love and it changes Kimble’s destiny. Leaving the police force, she returns to Joyce and her school as a true kindergarten teacher.
In real life, if you have found your soulmate in a certain coworker and you want your budding romance to have a happily ever after, you should keep it private until it becomes a serious commitment to each other. Never transfer personal conflicts with the person you are dating in the workplace. Always respect each other as co-workers. Go public with your romance only when it is a strong relationship that you know will last. So, it’s time to celebrate. Congratulations! You have shown discretion and good judgment!
Knowing how to successfully navigate the dark waters of romance in the workplace should be part of your job training. Follow these guidelines as rules of conduct to secure your career and safeguard your personal life, whenever Cupid’s arrow threatens to puncture your bubble at the office.