I’ve been in various long-term relationships in my 40-something years, and it was always me who made the decision to leave. It wasn’t always the abuse that made me leave, but it usually had to do with asking the question “Why am I here?”
Relationships, to me, should be something that enhances and adds to our lives, in the same way that icing adds to a cake. We shouldn’t expect a relationship to be the complete pie and meet all of our needs, but there are some needs that we naturally look for a relationship to satisfy; a need for intimacy, sexual expression, affection, affection and companionship.
I learned a long time ago that it is not healthy to depend too much on one person, but in an interdependent relationship we develop a healthy dependence on each other.
When I asked myself the question “Why am I here?” I usually concluded that I was in that relationship more out of a sense of duty or obligation than out of choice.
Tina Turner has a song called “What’s love got to do with it!” We may think that we stay in a relationship out of love, but often love has very little to do with why we stay. In fact, we sometimes show the greatest love, for ourselves and others, by making the decision to leave a relationship that no longer works.
We are in the new millennium where our society supports divorce and short-term relationships, so we don’t need to stay in a bad marriage because we took the oath of “until death do you part.” I have come to understand that this vow means “until the death of the union rather than the death of one of the parties.” What would be the benefit of waiting for someone to die, especially if the union is already dead? If the positive qualities that united us are no longer present, it would seem that both parties are committing to change things or dissolve the relationship.
My answer to the question “why am I here?” It was usually because I was a coward and was afraid to leave. There were economic reasons, a child, an obligation or the most important “fear of flying on my own”. The reasons really have nothing to do with that relationship contributing to my life in a positive way. On the contrary, at the time I was usually draining my life from the expenditure of energy it required to remain in the illusion of a relationship.
In my relationships with narcissistic partners, I considered leaving many times before doing so. There were times when I was separated for a short time and found myself engrossed in the relationship by some unseen force. There was always a bond that I interpreted as love that seemed to glue me to the relationship on a deep soul level. Leaving was not an option because it would have required a lever to pry and lose the link. I felt like we were Siamese twins not knowing which part belonged to me and which part belonged to him.
Since narcissistic lovers have no real limits, our relationship with these charismatic charmers is more like a complete fusion of souls. When he wasn’t in my life, I felt like a part of my soul was missing, so leaving him was like leaving a part of my soul behind. My tendency was to romanticize this all-powerful bond and develop the belief that somehow we were together. However, intuitively I always knew that I was better off without him. He never took any emotional responsibility in the relationship. He was always right and I was always to blame for everything. I fulfilled an important purpose in his life because without me, onto whom would he project all his deep-seated shortcomings? It only made sense that my feelings of inadequacy only deepened in the relationship. My previous image of myself as a strong, capable, loving and caring woman slowly eroded to where I was now just a shadow of my old self. Meanwhile, her confidence seemed to be on the rise. His life was getting better! He was realizing his dreams while mine was falling apart. What was wrong with this image? Was it really that imperfect?
The conclusion was that there was a serious lack of balance in this union and it was affecting me negatively. Usually it was too confusing to figure everything out within the relationship, so the only option was to leave. In my two narcissistic relationships I told myself that if love was real, it would last, even through a separation. After all, true love prevails, right?
However, both times I left the relationship, the truth that I had been hiding from surfaced like a tsunami. As long as I was pulling the strings in the relationship and being a nice, nice, nice girl, everything was relatively quiet. But when I dared to question the integrity of the relationship and regain my power, all hell was broken. How dare I! How dare I be strong and capable and regain my power! I was thriving on my power! The part he was giving her! He felt almighty and I felt powerless! So regaining my power would mean upsetting its fragile balance. I would have to punish myself by showing me how expendable I was; how unnecessary it was and how downright useless it was.
The surprise for me came when I realized how little love was really there. If this man ever really loved me, why would he treat me like this? Why would he go out of his way to show me how little he cared? Why would he wait until this moment, the moment I decide to come back, to show me how he really feels about me? And the big question is “Why did I doubt myself all those years, somehow believing that he really cared?” How many years have I wasted? What if I was gone, a long time ago when I started getting those intuitive clues?
Now I work with so many women who tell me “but I love him! We have such a powerful bond. I can’t leave! I can’t escape! I can’t stop thinking about him!” I remember those feelings too well! What is it about this man that makes me want to stay, even knowing how he’s killing me on the deepest levels?
It’s like a death to leave! And it is also a rebirth! I feel in these kinds of situations that we merge so unconsciously with this narcissistic being that we lose ourselves in the union that was created. We forget ourselves in it! We give ourselves completely to this entity and yet there is a small voice within us that tells us that if we do not get out we will die here. And this is the truth. We die there! It may not be a physical death, at least not immediately, but it is a slow cancerous erosion of ourselves that results in the complete loss of who we once were. Little by little we sacrifice ourselves to this man who feeds on our energy, whose power stumbles upon his superiority and reminds us of our inferiority albeit subtly. We give our power to maintain peace and above all to maintain the illusion that we are in a loving relationship.
When we are just a fragile little shell, how much power can we muster to start our life anew without it? We have built our lives and our dreams around him. It had become our reason for living. We would have died for him! Oh … we’re dying for him.
Do you have us right where you want us? Powerless! Insecure! Fragile! Afraid! Economically dependent! Oh yeah!
When we are without our power, he has control, which equates to security in his life. When we leave, he goes through an initial period of hostility or rejection towards us, and perhaps an attempt or two to lure us back to where we belong. But once we leave, it is very difficult to return to that place. We have tasted freedom and it is bittersweet. We long for what we have always longed for; your love and your positive affirmation of us. But we know we will never make it! Not really! He may temporarily affirm us to return to our place, but that is all. Or you may not want to spend more energy on us and just look for a suitable or “better” replacement. We see him display his beautiful new love before us reminding us how little we have cared and how easily we can be replaced and feel our own worthlessness.
Oh, to be her, the new woman. We are reminded of what it was like in the beginning when we couldn’t go wrong. We remember how he rushed into our lives and fulfilled each of our dreams by restoring our faith in love. Before the fall! And this is what we see when we look at it. She is us, before the fall! She is still in the glory days and we are in the dark night of the soul. It doesn’t seem fair.
No matter how hard we try, we could never take back those moments when love was fresh and new. Too much has happened! Confidence is gone! We are gone and we have to face the truth that it was never real! It was a fake love built on an illusion. Sure he too may have believed in the illusion at first. He may not have been pretending. It might have seemed real a long time ago. But when the illusion cracks, it exposes the truth and those who do not want to face the truth run away.
In any healthy relationship, there comes a time when the initial romance of a new love gives way to true love, which is based on honest and open communication and affection. It is based on the honor and respect of the other and on the commitment to work on oneself and the relationship. Those who believe that a relationship is going to enter their lives like a knight on a white horse and make them lose control are about to fall. True love is not something we fall for. It is something that grows with mutual trust and commitment. If we are with immature partners, there is no hope of true love unless they have a personal commitment to grow.
The problem with narcissistic individuals is that they just don’t see themselves for who they really are. They don’t think they need to grow. They think you are the immature one and the one with the problems. So there really is no hope of change. Our departure doesn’t send the message that maybe they should do some self-reflection. On the contrary! Our departure only confirms that we have a problem and that they need to find someone better so they no longer have to be victims of our abuse.
I think the key to leaving an abusive relationship is simply making the decision to walk away and give the details to God. Whenever I decided to leave, things happened that would get me out of there. It wasn’t pretty or easy, but it did the job. So if you are waiting for an easy way, you may be waiting a long time. Breaking these seductive negative emotional ties is often the hardest thing you’ll ever do, but it’s the most important thing you can do for yourself.
So I tell my clients to gather all your strength from the four corners of the earth, make the decision to go and do it! Just do it! Get out of there. If you doubt yourself, repeat the same thing as me. If love is true, it will endure this separation. Usually it ends up being a lie that we tell ourselves, but whatever works.
Surround yourself with friends and support groups to help you make this transition. You don’t have to do it alone. There are many people going through the same thing.