“Expectations are premeditated resentments.”
Oh how I still like trying to control people, places and things. Although the first step teaches me about my helplessness, and the third step gives me the tools to face life, I still feel resentful when things don’t go my way. And I can usually trace my feelings back to my expectations. Expectations are indications that I have not fully surrendered my will and life to God. It means that I have forgotten that my job is to dress up and show off and that it is God’s job to take care of the results. Since expectations are results in disguise, it’s no wonder they so easily lead to resentment. Today I use expectations as reminders to refocus my energy and thoughts on the actions I need to take and stay out of the results. I immediately take a quick first, second, and third step on the situation and turn my expectations over to my higher power. Doing this allows me to be really open to the gifts in the results (and they are always there if I am open to them), and keeps me safe from unnecessary resentment. This program really works when I work it.
“What other people think of me is none of my business.” How much of my time have I spent worrying about what other people think of me? Too much is the short answer. Before recovery in Al-Anon, I had no boundaries, no sense of myself, and how I felt about myself and my life was largely determined by whether or not you approved of it. Without inner awareness, other people’s likes and dislikes, moods, and opinions were the compass I used to steer my emotional life. It was exhaustive. Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror. One of the most precious gifts Al-Anon has given me is the freedom and encouragement to discover and validate my feelings. And this process began when I was taught to divert the attention of others and search within myself for my own truth. At first, this was an unfamiliar and uncomfortable process, but it was the only path to the safety, trust, and peace that I had always longed for. Today I know my feelings are valid and I have come to trust them. I know that other people have their own thoughts and opinions and I know that they are valid for them too. But today there is a boundary between the two, and my sense of self is no longer tied to other people’s approval. Today I enjoy the freedom and empowerment that comes from having and respecting myself.