Most of you already know that I have seven children. Mom, I’ve heard everything. I was there, I did that, I bought the shirt. I finally narrowed down the harshest comments to the top seven, one for each child. So if you’re clueless or your mouth tends to exaggerate, take note and DO NOT say these seven things.
1. When does it expire?
It’s okay, it’s true. It takes a while for that tummy to go down (if it ever does). Meanwhile, everyone who loves this new mom tells her how beautiful she is of hers and compliments her on how quickly she’s getting her figure back (even if she isn’t). All it takes is for a stranger to come along and say, “When do you have to give birth?” and all of her self-image is shaded. In short, if he’s not sure, don’t ask. For the love of all things sacred, please don’t ask.
2. Well, when I gave birth…
Here’s the deal. A new mom enjoys the pain, the pleasure and the glory of her work. She lets her tell you everything, but only if she really wants to. One thing she does NOT want to hear is when you, your wife, your daughter, your boss, or your cute sister in Los Angeles gave birth. She may pretend that she’s interested, but she’s not. She’s just being polite. And if your cute sister in Los Angeles gave birth naturally in a lily pad-laden pool of water and changed into her jeans next week so she could do her modeling shoot, then she’s probably trying to look interested while holding back the vomit, which is especially difficult. Don’t put her through heartbreak.
3. Are you breastfeeding?
This falls into one of those “none of your beeswax” categories. Sure, we all know the merits of breastfeeding. I am definitely pro-lactation and have the nipples to prove it (no bragging rights; just the facts, Jack). If you are breastfeeding, great! If you’re not breastfeeding, great! I was breastfed and am quite healthy. My husband was not breastfed and he is also quite healthy. Now, if you’re talking about mental health, he’s probably better than me. Do what’s best for you, and don’t try to go saving the world one booby at a time.
4. You’ll be back in your blue jeans in no time.
You may already be back in your blue jeans. She was this big when she started. You really don’t want to go there. Idiot’s Guide for New Moms: Tell her she looks wonderful, fantastic, beautiful. But don’t comment on her size or weight unless it’s totally obvious she’s getting Giselle on you and getting ready to walk the runway with angel wings. Oh, and don’t tell her she’s beaming. This is a comment meant for pregnant women and usually means “you look very flushed, like your head is about to explode.”
5. Are you planning to have more?
If it is, then it is. Let your mother-in-law and your OB/GYN do these kinds of inquiries, but not you. You want to talk about the baby or her new life as a mother, or maybe you just want to complain a little or a lot. She’s not thinking that far down the road yet, so she doesn’t push her. Now she herself is getting used to the new “her normal” of hers, don’t make her think of any other elements. Her brain can turn into a syrupy liquid and ooze out of her ears.
6. Did you break any?
Oh really? Do I need to include this? Yes, obviously I do, since I’ve been asked before. At first, I was stunned. But then God whispered the perfect word into my head in response. I only looked at the inquisitive woman in a puzzled manner and asked: “Where?”
7. Do you need help?
At first this seems like a nice thing to say. But a new mom will never, I repeat, NEVER tell you that she needs help. She can also yell, “I’m a failure!” No sir, it won’t happen. Even if she’s hanging on by a thread, she’ll smile and say, “No, it’s okay, we’re good. Thanks anyway.” This is where you must take the bull by the horns. Don’t ask her if she needs help because she needs it. It is unavoidable. Just tell him what you’re going to do. “I’m going to bring a meal, so tell me what you like.” or “I’m going to clean the house, so tell me when would be a good time.” She can’t turn you down. And if she does, she is already mentally lost or has a team of people hired to help her. If she’s gone mentally, offer her medication. If she has hired help, lay eggs at her house.
There you go. Follow this guide and you won’t go wrong. And remember, if you’re not really sure what to say, then keep your ever-loving mouth shut. Smile and wave, mom. Smiles and greets.
