Adults are ashamed of sex because of their emotional insecurities. Our emotional needs include the need to impress, the need to belong, and the need to be valued. Some people lack self-esteem, which stems from anxiety. Women tend to be much less confident than men, which is quite natural. We avoid discussing relationship problems for various reasons. We want to avoid conflicts. We do not want to admit that we have behaved badly, that we have said things that we should not or that we have been wrong. We may want to continue to behave in a way that suits us but cannot logically justify.
The suggestion that women can enjoy sexual pleasure through intercourse in erotic fiction (and the sexual bravado of both sexes in society) drives everyone’s interest in any story that suggests that intercourse could cause female orgasm. We assume that there must always be a solution. But some situations have no solution. They are just as they are. People find that difficult to accept. So they pay for the therapy or maybe just for peace of mind.
As with all things in life, the less we expect, the happier we are. A woman can get pregnant regardless of whether she has an orgasm. Therefore, women are believed to be dysfunctional due to some false claims about orgasm. Most so-called sexual dysfunctions are based on the idea that women should have an orgasm during intercourse, but this belief is not supported by research.
Women may talk about their sexual experiences in terms of orgasm, but this does not mean that they actually have it. Women are told they must have orgasms, so naturally some think they do. Even if clients refer to orgasms they think they are having, counselors still focus on relationship problems. Sex therapy focuses on relationship problems from the perspective of what the woman needs in order to offer the sex that the man needs. Men’s relationship problems are easy. As long as they have regular sex, men are happy.
Therapists often assume that their work qualifies them as objective observers of sexuality in the general population. But a therapist is trained in techniques that help solve relationship problems. A therapist’s clients can provide sexual histories, but a therapist cannot easily challenge a paying client. Sex research is quite different. An investigator needs the personal qualities that ensure that she can challenge and question. A researcher must be intellectually independent, free from political bias and prejudice.
No one can be taught how to be receptive. The ability to respond to the point of orgasm is an instinctive response of our mind and body. This ability varies considerably between different individuals. In particular, female receptivity is extremely rare. That is why only recently in human history have we been made aware of their existence. But since our society labels a woman dysfunctional because of her receptiveness, it is very unlikely that a receptive woman will become a sex therapist.
A woman who does not respond does not have any experience of orgasm that may conflict with the training she receives. They may feel that by earning a rating, they validate their own experiences. The sex therapy establishment educates unresponsive women about orgasms portrayed in porn. Men believe that such experiences motivate women to respond erotically to male sexual initiative. They are not based on any research results or anatomical facts. Nor can they be explained in terms of an instinctive response of the nervous system to eroticism. These orgasms are couched in such vague and inexplicit terms that any woman can use them to explain the emotional feelings of lovemaking that she assumes to amount to what men call an orgasm.
It is very unlikely that a receptive woman will get any rational explanation for the contradictions in our society’s description of female receptivity. A sex therapist cannot, more than anyone else, help a woman reach orgasm. Money can be made by insisting that there is a condition that can be cured or a problem that can be solved. People are inclined to believe what others say even when it conflicts with their own experience. We are easily persuaded that other couples have discovered something that we haven’t.
The first misconception is that women have sexual desire. Women are told that they should be driven to want to have sex as much as a man does. This is incorrect. A woman has no sexual desire. Women do not orgasm with a lover, regardless of the stimulation a man provides. A couple needs to understand this. Telling a woman that she should naturally want to have sex, when she doesn’t, means that she can only conclude that she is abnormal or dysfunctional in some way. This causes shame and silence.
The second misconception to overcome is that the man is not responsible for providing sexual pleasure to the woman. Women don’t get turned on by a lover. A woman needs to put a conscious effort into sexual activity of any kind (even when she is alone). She has two options with a lover. She can proactively participate in providing sexual pleasure to her lover. Or she may give him permission to explore her body and allow him to try to provide her with some sensual and possibly erotic sensations that she might enjoy. If she does this, she should help him out by giving him some encouraging erotic comments.
All men, sex is sex. We want it, let’s do it, we’re done. For many women it is not always so simple. You have to be in tune with her emotionally if you want to make her more receptive sexually. (Stephan Labossiere 2012)