Ah … the magic of the holidays. We have all grown up with the comfort and mystery of our Christmas traditions: oranges in our stockings, gifts under the tree, the lighting of the menorah, and more! Our holiday memories are filled with Mom’s home cooking, Dad’s stories, and the love and laughter of friends and family. As adults, we try to recreate those memories for our children, to impart to them the same sense of mystery and wonder of our youth. But how do we do that in an increasingly material world?
Shopping for our children today can be quite an uncomfortable and expensive experience. Pick up any Saturday newspaper in November and December and you’ll find it packed with dozens of brochures promising the best deal on all the must-have items – an iPod, a RoboRaptor, or V-Smile educational toys. Your child’s wish list will most likely include one or two high-end gadgets and toys. With a list of 30 items, it’s no wonder you feel trapped, caught between buying expensive gifts and the feelings and concerns you have about the messages you may be sending to your children by purchasing them.
You may wonder how to handle conflict: “I want my child to have what he wants, and at the same time, I want my child to have limits to his expectations.”
We’ll see:
Sean is 9 years old and lives with his mom and dad and his 2 year old sister. His family went to see Santa last weekend and, unsurprisingly, Sean brought his list for Santa. On his list, to his parents’ surprise, there was an iPod and a laptop. Both of his parents were bewildered and confused by such high expectations of their son.
On the way to Santa’s Village, they started a discussion about why he thought he wanted these items. Unsurprisingly, Sean said, “All my friends have them and they’re really cool !!!” His parents looked at each other and were very clear that not only could they not afford these two items, but they weren’t sure why a nine-year-old needed such things.
Mom and Dad also knew that several of Sean’s classmates have or will receive these types of items for their holiday gifts.
Later that night, after the kids had gone to bed, Mom and Dad talked about their concerns and how to proceed: Did we buy those items for you? Do we say no and make him feel excluded from his social network? Do we buy one and not the other?
All very good questions, but what is the correct answer? There is no truly correct answer. The answer is found in their parents’ belief system and in the messages they want their children to receive at times like these.
The bottom line: If you think these kinds of gifts set unrealistic expectations and don’t really encompass the lessons of the holiday season or the financial goals you have for your family that won’t allow for these kinds of purchases, then stick with your beliefs. Don’t give in to the Christmas gimmes. Because the messages, both verbal and non-verbal, are loud and clear to your children because of their gift choices.
Many parents are unsure how to talk to their children about the reality of these situations and the reasoning behind their not understanding what the child has asked for. Parents must be honest and open about their motivations and decisions.
This holiday season; keep the following tips in mind:
Self-awareness: Be clear about your motivations for buying.
Know: Messages that come from your gifts.
Communicate the reasons and messages discovered above to your child and allow him to share his feelings.
Solve: For children the confusion and disappointment that may arise from their decisions.
Redirect: Your child about the origins of the season and allow him to find ways to give back and realign his expectations.
