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The importance of invisible friends

Episode Two: How to Do Constructive Criticism or What the Heck is Collaborative Problem Solving?

“Hey,” I yelled to my inner self, “you said you would help me explain the difference between constructive criticism and all those other forms of criticism that people use.”

“Sure, sure,” came a chorus of voices. “Persuasion, you should be the one to answer this question,” said a lead voice from within the choir.

An older gentleman with a short white beard and a weather-beaten face stepped forward to squat in front of me. “Howzit,” he smiled. “Have you been fishing lately?”

“No,” I shook my head. “I haven’t been fishing since we had our interview.”

“You will never get better if you don’t practice,” he joked. “So what do you want to know about criticism?”

“Well, when we had our interview on the persuasion process, we skipped the part about keeping the criticism constructive, and I wanted to go over that now.”

“In fact, I don’t like the term constructive criticism,” he said, shaking his head. “He sent the wrong message.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Well, criticism is pointing out what someone has done wrong. That’s never constructive. It’s one of those oxymorphism things.”

“You mean the oxymoron?”

“Yeah, as if to say it’s a giant shrimp, or it’s an open secret. The same goes for constructive criticism. All criticism does is make people defensive or depressed. It never builds anything constructive.” .

“So, would you trade it for constructive advice?”

“No,” he waved a hand at me. “Advice is almost as bad. People only listen to advice when they have asked for it.”

“So what would you call it?”

His face scrunched up for a moment, “How about collaborative problem solving? “

“It has a nice ring,” I admitted. “A bit of a bite, though.”

“Hmm,” he shrugged. “But much more constructive.”

“So how does it work?”

“Well first“he said, raising a finger to my face.” You never wait to bring up the behavior you want me to change, never. Nothing worse than someone pointing out a problem weeks after it happened. People think, ‘Why are you waiting so long to tell me?’ Or sometimes people let things slide until all their frustrations erupt into one giant complaint. “He shook his head,” This is both bad news.

“I know what you mean. I know people who hold a grudge for years, and then bring it up every time you do the little thing, like you can do anything for the past.”

He chuckled, “Yeah, that’s not even trying to make constructive criticism. That’s just criticism. I bet you really love those people, don’t you?” he tilted his head to the side.

“No comment,” I replied. “What is the second?”

Second“he said turning his finger into a peace sign.” Never try to solve more than one problem at the same time. It is too overwhelming. It makes people feel bad. Brings bad feelings. One problem at a time, if you want someone to be open to change. “

I considered it for a moment. “I remember reading somewhere that the damage done to someone’s self-esteem by criticism versus the healing power of praise has a ratio of 10 to 1.”

“What do you mean by relationship?”

“It’s like if you criticize someone, you damage their self-esteem, and it takes ten acts of sincere praise to heal that damage. Something like that anyway.”

“That would explain a lot of things. It makes it worse if you criticize people in public. Actually, that’s the third something to remember, “suddenly he looked severe”. Never mention someone’s mistake in public, do it in private. No, unless you believe in public embarrassment. “

“You know,” I said hesitantly. “There are some cultures that use public embarrassment quite effectively. My assistant told me about a Micronesian custom where they cut the hair of girls who have embarrassed their family.”

“Yes,” he admitted. “It can work. But there is a danger of creating resentment or making people want to live up to the role of villain. A tough decision. I think public embarrassment is only good as a last resort. It is best to catch ineffective behavior early with some troubleshooting.

“Good point, what is number four?”

Kiln, You never try to collaboratively solve problems when you’re excited. If you do, the sessions will focus on you and will not effect any effective change. It’s kind of like trying to solve two problems at once, your problem plus their problem. It just won’t work. Not at the same time. “

“So how do you make sure you don’t get excited?”

“Before approaching the other person, you should give yourself a little of that emotional air that we have been talking about. Solve the problem on your own. Sometimes you find that you do not need to solve any problem collaboratively because The problem was with you. all the time. Other times, you can plan the steps you want to take if you decide to try some collaborative problem solving. Either way, you end up approaching the problem logically rather than emotionally. “

“I think it makes sense,” I nodded thoughtfully. “So now, let’s say I’ve decided to move on, and I’ve also found a time to approach the person in private. What do I actually do?”

“You guide them through Nine steps of persuasion what we talked about in his book, “he said as if it were obvious.” You establish trust. You choose your challenges wisely. You get favorable attention. You present the problem. You ask questions to create and confirm understanding. You reach agreements of need. You offer solutions. You confirm the agreement. Follow up. “

Hmm, “I said impressed.” I didn’t expect that answer, but you are so right. It sure puts a twist on what people call criticism. “

“It is also constructive. In fact, it creates significant change almost eighty percent of the time.”

I laughed, “Never forget the old 80/20 Pareto rule, huh?”

“Never,” he smiled. “Now, there are a few other things to keep in mind if you want people to tell you openly as you take them through the persuasion process.”

“Hit me,” I told him.

“Try to avoid trigger words as always and never. Telling someone they are forever late gold Never prepared will only put them on the defensive. “

“Right.”

“And whenever you can, turn your statements into questions.”

“Example?”

“Instead of saying, ‘You’re late almost every day,’ try asking, ‘Why are you late so often?’ offered. “Here’s another tip, try using I prayers instead of your phrases.

“Which are I prayers and your phrases? “

“Instead of saying, ‘you They need to calm down, ‘which will only make them angrier, you say,’I I can’t understand you when you’re so excited. “

“I get it,” I nodded. “So instead of saying ‘you I need to clear things up with that guy, ‘could I say’I I don’t see how things will get better unless they start talking. It’s okay? “

“Perfect,” he smiled happily. “There is also a pretty interesting technique that John Maxwell talks about in his book, Developing the inner leader. He calls it, ‘Serving people a compliment sandwich.’

“I used to teach that technique,” I said enthusiastically. “It’s where you sandwiched your criticism between two honest and sincere compliments; you know, between two specific actions that you’ve noticed people are doing right.”

“That’s the one,” he smiled. “And as an example, I could say to you, ‘You know the last time we went fishing, your casting really started to improve. I was hoping you could practice more, so we could go again. Your last release was almost as far as mine.” .

I laughed, “That’s a much nicer way of telling me that I should practice more.”

“It worked?”

“It would have worked if my goal was to beat him at fishing.”

“You mean it isn’t?” he asked with a mocking pout.

“Sorry,” I said reaching out to pat her hand. “I only fish to hang out with you.”

“Very good,” he squeezed my hand back. “One last point, and we are done. If you really want to help people change, help them focus on specific behaviors that can be changed, not generalities. You should not point out problems unless you are willing to help people too. solutions. If you tell someone they are doing something wrong, you should be prepared to show them an alternative that will work better. Got it? “

“I understand.”

“So I think that covers it.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t take you fishing.”

“Where do you think I’m headed now?” His eyes sparkled and he was gone.

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