Are you sorry because you believe you have done something wrong or that you were inadequate in coping with the circumstances surrounding the death of your loved one? Although not everyone who grieves experiences guilt, it is a fairly common experience.
Guilt comes in many forms during grief. There are numerous failures in relationships that result in guilt. Not recognizing the seriousness of an illness early, not taking a loved one to the right ER, not feeling bad enough, not intervening more forcefully when care seems inadequate, feeling like you should have visited more often , not doing what the other wanted to do, and the list can go on and on.
Here are several things to consider about guilt and some suggestions for dealing with it. You can reduce its effects and survive.
1. Never forget: It is almost impossible to love someone and after they die not be able to find something to feel guilty about. We all review our relationship with our loved one, and given the chance to do so again, we would quickly change some of the things we did or didn’t do. Much of this current radical response has to do with the way we have been educated and conditioned by culture.
2. The most common type of guilt I see in mourners is what has been called illegitimate or neurotic guilt. That is, the feelings of guilt are out of proportion to the cause. Beliefs like “She should have made her quit smoking” or “She wasn’t there when she died like I said she would be” or “Why did I get saved and she had to die?” they are mainly forms of neurotic guilt (as are all of the above in the Introduction). And most of us have this kind of thinking after the death of a loved one.
3. Some people are more prone to guilt than others. Sometimes early in life you may have done something you shouldn’t have done as a child and it has stuck with you today. Anything similar to the original act is considered wrong and you have to feel guilty about it. If there is something in your record that has been a perpetual source of guilt, see a professional counselor for help. It can be looked at in a new light.
4. True cause and effect guilt is having omitted or done something you know was wrong. It could be morally, socially or ethically wrong. Rational guilt helps us to keep doing the things that make a society stable. Without it we would not be able to relate well to others, study, do honest work, or obey the laws. It helps us avoid drifting too far into negative or wrong decisions. It is the gatekeeper of civilization, regulating individual and social behavior.
5. Don’t mix shame with guilt. Sometimes mourners are embarrassed by the way they have responded to a crisis or by the type of death (suicide, alcoholism, etc.). That shame means that you feel like you are a bad person because of your response or because of the nature of the situation. And it is totally false. Guilt usually has to do with your behavior or lack thereof, make sure you focus on what you supposedly did or didn’t do, and not on blaming yourself. Your internal dialogue is crucial in this regard. Tell yourself that he did the best he could at the time. Stop speaking blame language.
6. Evaluate your behavior with this word: deliberate. With most of the guilt generated during bereavement, like others, you did not deliberately set out to inflict pain or suffering or contribute to the circumstances surrounding the death. Looking back now, it’s easy to say that he should have done this or that. You are not omnipotent: you did not realize all the possible scenarios that could evolve. Nobody can.
7. Pretend that a friend has come to you because of his guilt, which is exactly the same as yours. Examine carefully what you would say after hearing all the details. Be thorough. You are judge and jury and you need to hear your friend speak honestly about his guilt. At this time, be open to hearing about anger, negative feelings toward the deceased, and/or a need for self-punishment, all of which can fuel guilt. Now turn it around, and apply your recommendations to yourself and do your best to follow them.
And if you didn’t ask your friend this question, ask it now: “Did you do what you thought should be done at the time?” Of course yes. Then start working to divert attention away from her when those guilt-ridden neurotic thoughts start to return, focusing on all the nice things he did for her. This is the daily task. Try to follow the advice you gave her friend for at least three full days and you will be amazed at the results.
8. Examine the beliefs you hold that support your guilt and reevaluate the patterns by which you live. Confront your guilt by rationally testing it. What beliefs are supporting your guilt thinking? Anything you learned from a parent, from your church, or from new age thinking? Wrong teachings can wreak havoc for a lifetime.
Women, for example, are taught to believe, unrealistically, that they are responsible for everything. Even the behavior of others. They are especially sensitive to the ravages of false guilt. Do you have unreasonable expectations of yourself? Should you really feel guilty?
9. And if your guilt is rational and true? The key to finding peace is to find a way to make amends and say you’re sorry. It is the only path to freedom. Find a quiet place and talk to the person who died. Tell him how you feel and that you will donate some time and/or money to repair or complete a project. The deceased already knows that you tried to do the best you could. If his fault involves a living family member or friend, again apologize, ask for forgiveness, and offer to make some sort of amends. Then work on forgiving yourself as you put it behind you.
Outside of the grieving process, as well as within it, guilt is one of the most pervasive emotions we have to deal with. So much guilt is falsely induced to mourn by questionable beliefs, rules, and the influence of negative and conflicting precepts. Learn all you can about it, intervene early, and remember that it is a normal human emotion and, in most cases, necessary.